singularitie

I have a new metaphysical friend.

and I want to scream

from opened windows.

at 3AM. [again].

How much life there is in death!

🖤

ookay, that dream was quite something... :?

raining all day. gray skies. vol. 5 of LC's journals hurts a bit. can't get out of bed and just feelin'... alienated. as fuck. (fuck. fuck. fuck.)

You realize how sad and hopeless the situation is when Metashit (FB, IG) goes down & it's breaking news, conspiracy theories and panic all over the place. And if that's not sad enough -- "the place" is Twitter/X and TikTok... Pls, shoot me now.

got aroused as fuck from... nothing. need to break something and stop for fucks sake talking to me if you don't want it to be your face.

breath in breath out

SCREAMING INTERNALLY

To-do: Write 1000 times "I'll set a monthly budget limit for books." for punishment and control yourself for fucks sake. But but... I've finally found the complete set of Lewis Carroll's private journals, I I I just couldn't help it. 😭

Dad: “Each one of us is insane in one way or another. People need to learn to respect the otherness in others.”

Totally not me shedding tears while reading that INROCK interview from 07/2004. I've said that it's not me. Now fuck off.

Me and M just casually sitting at home talking about fist-fucking and porno movies with grandmas, lol. Sometimes I can't even. 😆

“As for me, I believe in whatever political ideology kills the most people. I’m joking, or so you’d think. Onward to the new year.

Oh, and pray for a world where our children become wolves.”

– Size of Cat

In-fucking-deed.

PS: I love this motherfucker. Or, I love the fact that it's not only me feeling like shit about humanity and losing all hope & moral purpose(s) I was having on Earth.

Who dies understood?

"If you keep filming me I’m going to shove a cucumber up your ass." - MM

Me, who've actually seen a guy shoving a cucumber into someone's ass: 🫢😬😂

Returning to civilization after way-too-long-and-way-too-brutal period of depression, insomnia, insanity, self-isolation and self-destruction. I don't really want to, I'll have to pretend to be a normal person & everyone will be weird and tip-toe 'round me, ugh... Put on make up for first time in years and I look so not like myself, feeling absurd. But M said I look fantastic, so guess I did okay, however I'm nervous and anxious as fuck. Got TLHROH with me, as talisman or something (it's a long story, but I believe it brings me luck ). Fuck it. I hate you all.

"This is my beautiful show and everything is shot in slo-mo-tion..."

I am equally intolerant to everyone.

I'm exaggerating, but when I do it makes my stories captivating. See, I'm a storyteller - I write stories, then I tell 'em... 🎶👾🎶

"I have so many issues I could be a magazine." — MM

in urgent need of exorcism 'cause I hide inside something more than a slight sadism.

I forgot what dramatic fuck I was prior to ... It's freaking hilarious, like the world ends at every 2-3 days or so. 😅

uhm, is that what lucid dreaming is like?

You can't find in others what you don't have already inside youself.

And I would like to go to the opera, ballet, cinema and theatre, but when I pass by you I'm 'bout to kill some motherfuckers!

just leave me the fuck alone, so I could top myself. go away. don't want you to care 'bout me. i want you hate me. idk wtf you're even doing here. everyone just stop giving a flying fuck, stop expecting anything from me, and set me free for fucks sake.

sick of myself everything everyone.

& as calm as if I had hugged a bomb.

Hm.

Seriously, I should just GO FUCK MYSELF. I'm the most pathetic creature on Earth. Why you have to rationalize and destroy anything which brings a moment of peace?!? Self-deception as a selfish way of self-soothing is not peace, and it's ruthless to keep giving false hopes to anyone unfortunate enough to care, while knowing that I'll never get out of here.

I swear observing guys bantering each other (especially as a form of talking 'bout feelings, relationships, etc.) is one of the most amusing things ever. And I mean it in the best way possible. ☺️

“2024 is gonna be our year.” 🖤

while we were getting him buried in the ground, two cats showed up in the middle of the fucking forest and just stayed there with us. the female one jumped in my lap and rested her head on my hand. my boy had an actual cat funeral... life's so surreal sometimes.

my cat is dying before my eyes. dad's heart is ripping apart, but of course he puts the "philosophical-things-happen-it-isn't-so-bad" mask in front of me. my bro is gonna be a father. don't fucking know what I'm feeling rn.

but in the eyes wide open the flight of the birds took roots.

your ass is a traitor, it fucks behind your back.

It's hilarious how we got tricked into believing that human beings can do better, when there are things like traffic lights in order to be able to cross the fucking street without getting run over by another human being - for no reason and nothing to gain, just to cross it before you. Or/and when 3 year olds will fight and bite and kick each other over a toy or an object, which one kid took from a pile of the same - not because this one is any different or better, just to take it away from the other kid. It's fascinating.

uhm, waking up choking on your own blood is kind of existential experience... :?

when the odd memories decide to have a flashback. ugh. :|

Can you feel my love buzz? [singing with a taser in hand]

and I'm best at being my own doppelgänger. =)

“To those of you who are easily frightened, we suggest you turn away now. To those of you who think they can take it, welcome... to the madhouse!”

the problem is that - secretly - I actually think I'm kinda special and have an extraordinary life. (just don't tell anyone.)

"I know that you love me but you're also being selfish as fuck."

You think that I'm not aware of it? 😑

feeling like an awful human being.

also fuck xmas.

a snowy sunrise with "in the shadow of the valley of death" as soundtrack.

Woke up at 11:40 PM in a pile of books, AGAIN.

...and even from fear, I'm putting my head in the beast's mouth.

It sucks 'cause it's supposed to bring me joy and calm me the fuck down.

M: "We should start having a sentence, a phrase of the day. Today's one is "Welcome to the zombie land!"

Me: grin "Then we need a notebook to write 'em down!"

M: "We can use an electronic one. But intonation is important!"

Me: "And how the fuck to describe THAT intonation?!"

M: "Like in a Netflix subtitles describing noises. "Welcome to the zombie land!"

Me: "So... like a comic book villain?"

M: "No, like a zombie which is a villain. Zombillian!"

---

12/14/23: "Welcome to the zombie land!" [said in a Zombillian voice]

feeling like an aesthetic figure

What psychopath you've to be that the only serotonin hit you got in 2 yrs was at the moment realizing that you hit the rock bottom fucking up your life fucking up everything you've worked for & achieved the last 10 yrs, like SERIOUSLY what the FUCK is wrong with your brain you PATHETIC self-destructive PIECE OF SHIT ?!?

"And all your sad endings are planting in their gardens, and they're waiting to grow and to die like flowers do..."

"Don't confuse the spirit with the body, or the soul with the machine."

We are all creatures of thought — just pretending to be what we are, but not being what we are pretending to be.

The farther you observe the further you see [in the past].

"Where you wanna live - in a jungle or the zoo? In the latter case you are a slave, in the former a God-forgotten beast. Now, isn't the jungle better - at least when you get eaten, it will be your own fault?"

Overall, the 'normal people' shouldn't be allowed to interact with anyone who's up for 3 days or more, that's a different realm.

Explaining what's the sleep deprived mindset reasonability to a normal person:

Cutting my hair 'cause it gets in my eyes instead of just tying it up... and of course regretting it afterwards.

(I did that like 4 times. :D)

Mood swings? More like the fucking human centrifuge...

tired.

Really

goddamn

tired.

Remind me why I am even trying, again?

'Cause you should?

And since when exactly we do what we should ?!!

A pathetic whining piece of shit, you are, huh?

You'll learn a lot about someone if you spend a few hours together in silence.

You know, the great irony is that our foolish desire to change the world is, in its essence, actually totalitarian. Because you wanna change it to your own personal utopia, not only disregarding but condemning anyone disagreeing with it, and force your views on everyone else as [you believe that] you know better what's right and wrong for them. Hitler and Stalin also believed that they knew better how everyone else is supposed to live their lives. The fact that your personal utopia doesn't include violence, censorship and genocide doesn't make that less totalitarian than fascism and communism. In its essence its still that good old will to power, no matter how you are presenting it to your conscience or the others.

“If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting “All gods are bastards!”

— 𝘛𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘗𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘵, "𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘔𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤" (1983)

"fast food nude" is an actual porn category. my brain just melted.

“But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.”

— Terry Pratchett, "Guards! Guards!" (1989)

“A poet is called upon to shock men's souls, not cultivate idolaters.”

— "Mirror" (1975) by Andrei Tarkovsky

no people + cats + books + music + candlelight + lying on the floor in a dark room = my happy place

If you wanna know someone, get to know their soul.

I'm totally not a full grown 30 yrs old woman crying on an animated penguins movie with her morning coffee. I swear.

Mom: ”If you've tried the civilized way first, then punching somebody in the face is not violence - it's standing up for yourself.“

Anyone identifying themselves as a "celebrity" is full of shit.

"reptile fetish" hahahah (nevermind)

M: “Can you imagine what the world would be if there was no electricity? You'll never be able to hear the same song twice...”

someone: is nice with me for no obvious reason

me: smiles and is like aww

me: dunno how to (re-)act

me: turns into a ghost that walked into the light

me: feels like an awful person for that so avoids 'em for a lifetime

.......... 🙄

Turning someone into your saviour is the same as turning them into your scapegoat.

You can care about people without being emotionally attached to them.

“There is a lot of energy in the dirt.”

— Georgi Markov

[dumping old sm posts]

when you buy someone's art or meet them and you can't determine who's more happy and excited - you or them. the best feeling in the world. 🖤

“We are all tied up in interlocking stories and painfully aware that we are at the intersection of all sorts of stories and we don't know when we're the star and when we are a role player, when we're the hero and when we're the villain, and when we don't matter.”

— Mark Bernstein